Home to Stay—For Now
The last decade has seen the number of intergenerational households grow to about six million households and 66.7 million adults.
What is remarkable, in a culture that likes to talk about young adults failing to launch, is that most of these families are sharing a home by choice. Economics and the COVID-19 pandemic were the most common reasons they came together, but when opportunities to move back into single-generation living have come along, these families decided it is better to stay together.
“Families may come together from need, but they are staying together by choice,” says Donna Butts, executive director of Generations United, a nonprofit that researches and advocates for multigenerational households.
Multigenerational households often face challenges with clear boundaries, financial and parenting responsibilities, and communication. Add to this mix ADHD across generations and it can be even harder to create a happy home.
It’s not a failure to launch
“There is a perception that those who live with their parents into their twenties are either bums or people who are not hard-working,” says one 23-year-old college graduate who shares a home with her parents. Financial issues, including student loans, an overheated housing market, and an economy that was rocked by a pandemic, are the biggest barriers to establishing or maintaining separate homes.
Young adults, newly graduated from high school or college, faced a difficult job market and limited career opportunities even before the pandemic. Since 2020, many have been unable to move into their own homes or found that continuing to live with their parents has been a benefit to both generations, financially or in caring for the home or a family member.
Prior to 2020, many young adults remained in their parents’ homes because ADHD symptoms interfered with their readiness to leave. Some struggled in school or with taking the next steps afterwards, while others needed a gap year between school and career.
“People with untreated ADHD are more likely to drop out of college, so there’s a delay in getting into the workforce,” says David Goodman, MD, director of the Adult Attention Deficit Disorder Center of Maryland. “They’re more likely to lose jobs because of social conflicts, impulsivity, or poor performance. They generally have more jobs over a period of ten years, which means that you’re continually moving into an entry-level position and not building a career, and occupation, a stable income.”
“It’s a response to the challenging economics of the housing markets today,” says Susan Wachter, a professor of real estate at The Wharton School. “There are more boomerang children 25 and older than ever before coming back to live with parents, and also never leaving.”
For many people, the reasons to live with parents or other family members changed during and following the pandemic. About a third of Millennials and Gen Z adults moved back in with their parents or chose not to move out just yet during the first few years. Today, most who rejoined their parents’ households remain there, sometimes with a spouse or partner and children.
“I think it’s a contemporary trend, whether it’s to be able to save the money to buy a home, to be able to go back for a master’s degree or to be able to do something to further their ability as independent adults,” says Butts. “We’ve seen the largest increases when our country has had a recession, or a housing bust and then COVID. But what people are surprised by is they always think that the numbers are going to decrease again.”
Sharing a home requires open communication
How, then, do families build a happy home? Having parents and young adults, or grandparents, parents, and children, all under one roof requires clear ground rules, agreed-upon budgeting and chore sharing, and respected boundaries. Families coping with ADHD symptoms can find all these needs to be a challenge to spell out and support.
Every adult in a home must contribute to the running of the household in some way. The best way to establish that is to set clear expectations and post them in a central location—Dr. Goodman suggests the refrigerator, since everyone visits it daily. Write a clear weekly schedule—Monday, laundry; Tuesday, trash; for example—as prompts so everyone knows what is expected. Having regular family meetings to update budgeting and work out differences of opinion helps with maintaining those clear expectations.
Parents and grandparents need clear agreements on childcare, discipline, and ADHD treatment management. Adult disagreements shouldn’t take place in front of children because disagreements can affect their sense of security. And when it comes to treatment options for children who have ADHD, those are best made between the child’s parents and ADHD specialist or provider, with grandparents playing a supporting role to the parents. Living in one household can mean an improved support system for everyone involved.
ADHD treatment and shared living
ADHD runs in families. It is possible that two or three generations living together can all have ADHD, either diagnosed or suspected. This means ADHD symptoms need to be managed, or they will manage the family.
To the extent they are able, adult family members need to work with their healthcare providers or ADHD specialists to decide on a treatment plan. Identifying one’s own ADHD symptoms and how those symptoms could get the better of them enables better management. Preventing symptoms from getting in the way of family communication means better problem resolution and support for one another.
For parents with children, treatment plans that include behavior management need to be explained to grandparents and any other family adults. Expectations for children are part of a family’s clear ground rules. If another adult disagrees with the parent’s decisions regarding treatment, it’s fair to ask why the parent made the decision, but trying to change the parent’s mind can only lead to greater family difficulties.
When a family member does not want to treat their ADHD symptoms, life can be difficult for everyone. Building space into the day for everyone to catch their breath can help. Sometimes it’s necessary to maintain separate finances to prevent symptoms from affecting the household or other family members’ financial needs.
Even though you share a home, you cannot fix someone else’s problems or force them to work with an ADHD specialist. Structuring life in such a way that their ADHD cannot affect your well-being, or your children’s, is your first step. Unfortunately, if someone else’s unmanaged ADHD becomes a risk to your or your children, then—as much as you may want to share a home—it may be time to separate the household.
Communication tips
Recognize that ADHD symptoms, including impulsivity, low frustration tolerance, and inattention can be barriers to effective communication. Plan to hold important conversations when all participants can focus on the topic and take turns explaining and listening. Pausing arguments until after you have had the chance to think the problem through can make for a better, solution-based conversation.
Find family activities that everyone can participate in and enjoy. These might be game nights, trips to a local park, or gardening together. Engaging activities that are just for fun help to build and strengthen relationships. Casual conversation at these times can go a long way to improve conversations during more stressful times.
It’s okay to text! Texting one another during the day, or when important discussions need to happen but risk being derailed by emotions, or simple reminders to one another is an easy way of quickly and briefly communicating. Text messaging gives the opportunity to pause before responding or to respond when you have time to do so. Plus, there’s no need to shout when dinner is ready.
If conversations become tense and working out agreements or boundaries becomes unmanageable, loop in someone who can mediate. This may be therapist, a medical professional, or a professional with experience in supporting conversations, like a clergy member or family counselor.
In most situations, assume good intent. In a healthy living situation, the other person wants to be supportive but may not know the best way to do so. Sometimes, efforts to help out can end up making things worse. These things are not done purposefully. Stepping back, catching one’s breath, and then asking when a good time would be to discuss the misunderstanding is often the best path to resolve problems.
Looking for more?
- Home Again: What to Expect When Your Adult Child with ADHD Returns Home to Live
- Is Doing Household Chores Related to Executive Functioning?
- Talk with Family Members Now to Plan a Happy Holiday
- Tips for Creating a Peaceful Household When Mom has ADHD
- It’s Never About Me: The Hidden Needs of Siblings
- ADHD and Family Conflict: How to Reduce Verbal Aggression
Join the conversation: How do you make life work in a multigenerational household?