Letting Go At the Right Time: Tips For Supportive Parenting
You want your child to be successful. You also want him to remember to turn in his homework. It seems like ADHD symptoms get in the way so often, that it might be easier to handle your child’s challenges yourself, rather than let him figure out the solutions on his own.
Sometimes it can be hard to know what the difference is between supportive parenting and overparenting, often called “helicopter parenting.”
When your child struggles with executive function challenges—remembering homework, gym shoes and being able to make good decisions about the present and future—it can become a challenge to straddle the line between fixing the problem for him or holding tight and allowing him to experience the consequences. This is especially true with ADHD symptoms since these can cause more problems for your child with behavior, grades and decision-making than what your child’s peers experience.
In an attempt to make life smoother for your child, you can take the risk of doing too much for him. Children with ADHD often have delayed maturity. It is hard sometimes to know when to let go or when you are needed to direct your child or work with someone else on your child’s behalf.
Supportive parenting or overparenting?
Researchers at the University of Arizona and California State University at Chico took a look at the concept of overparenting versus supportive parenting. Their results are helpful in understanding how helicopter parenting and supportive parenting affects teens and young adults.
The researchers worked with college age young adults and found overparenting was linked with psychological distress and performance anxiety for the young adults. In addition, they found the students had a sense of entitlement, along with increased self-importance, due to their parent’s excessive praise and involvement. By overparenting, the researchers concluded, a parent unconsciously interferes with the age-appropriate development of competence, independence and a sense of connection to others.
Parents “helicopter” from the desire to improve their children’s success at school and in future life, the researchers noted. Parents also do this when they are highly critical of their children and fail to maintain a boundary between their lives and that of their children. The result is teens and young adults who become overly dependent on their parents and lack the ability to be self-starters or develop problem-solving skills when faced with challenges. The young adults told the researchers that although they resented the over-involvement from their parents, they continued to need parental direction because they had not learned how to overcome difficulties on their own.
Tips to be a supportive parent
Parents who allow age-appropriate independence in day-to-day life encourage creativity, exploration and learning responsible choices in their children. How can you encourage independence and problem-solving for your child with ADHD? Some parenting tips to be a supportive parent without overparenting:
- Listen to your teen and respect his thoughts and opinions. He can disagree with you but still follow your rules and directions. Help him learn to clarify his thoughts and opinions by asking why he holds them.
- Allow your child to pick his own extra-curricular activities, rather than selecting those activities for him.
- If your child makes a mistake, let him know you will be there to support his efforts to correct it. Talk with him about ways to fix the problem, but step back and let him decide which solution to use. Let your child experience the consequences.
- Encourage your child to have downtime. Not every day has to have an activity scheduled. Young people need time to explore their interests without structure.
- Allow your child age-appropriate independence. Establish basic family rules and expectations for behaviors.
- Have your child take an active role in his ADHD treatment plan. Listen to his thoughts on treatment. Encourage him to talk directly with the doctor and resist the urge to answer on your child’s behalf when the doctor asks your child how things are going.
- Help your child develop a routine and planning system or calendar. Let him plan his activities and work with her system to stay on track.
- Teach your teen how to prepare his own meals, do laundry, create a budget and spend money. Allow him to practice these skills without your assistance.
Looking for more?
- Parenting a Child with ADHD
- Information for Teens and Young Adults
- CHADD’s Parent To Parent: Family Training on ADHD
- Positive Parenting Tips
No one likes to see his child struggling, especially when ADHD symptoms cause problems. But what is the difference between being a supportive parent and a “helicopter” parent? When should we let go and let our children figure it on their own?